From time to time life gets stressful. Personally, having kids increased my sensitivity to stress quite a bit. When I was single, it wasn't that big deal if I messed up or lost my job.I paid the price for my mistakes, which was only fair. Did I mention I was raised Catholic?
Then I got married and had kids. Now if I mess up, my wife and kids pay the price. To some degree my wife was a willing participant - she chose to marry me - but the kids were innocent. Having kids made me a better man in many ways - I've held a 9-5 job for most of the 22 years since we got pregnant, I'm much more responsible, reliable, and careful. Mostly.
Part of becoming a better man for me has been an increase in the stress levels of my life. Nothing unusual there, it's basic human nature to feel more stress when more people are relying on you, and with the unconditional love you feel for your kids makes you want to give them a perfect life, something you can never succeed in doing. The result to a greater or lesser degree is on-going stress.
Sometimes when things are tough - I'm unemployed, or my kids are having problems and I don't know what to do about them - the stress can become nearly overwhelming. I've noticed that when the stress really peaks I frequently have a recurring dream where I go back to the Neptune and get my old job back.
The first time that dream occurred it was a little funny - the thought of being back at the Neptune was amusing - but it's also totally unrealistic. Movie theaters pay minimum wage to most employees, with the projectionist making more (if you're in the union quite a bit more; I have no idea how pervasive union jobs are now in the movie theater business, but I suspect there are way fewer now than there used to be) and the managers making more. By the standards of the software industry I now work in, none of them pays much at all, certainly nowhere near enough to keep my family afloat.
After the dream re-occurred a few more times during peak stress I realized that it was a fantasy about going back to when life as simpler, when there was less to worry about, when my job and my life was easy. I think I needed the mental relief valve of that dream - believing, at least for a few minutes while I was asleep, that life could be simple again.
Oddly enough, I now volunteer at the Vera project selling tickets at the front door around once a month, so now I am working at my old job again. Of course I don't get paid, but it is fun in a low key sort of way. I've had a series of bosses half my age (or less) and I think it's cool that they get an opportunity to run a venue and explore the music business. I also get to go in and record a song or two from each of the acts on video and take a few pictures. It's more for entertainment and to support the Vera's mission than anything else.
I wouldn't trade my current life for my teen years; they were simpler but they weren't better. The lesson I've tried to learn from the experience with stress and recurring dreams is that I need to deal with my stress, avoid the physical and mental toll, or at least minimize it, and try to avoid being unemployed. Being around people and the music scene makes me happy. An important element in dealing with stress is making sure I take the time to do the things that I enjoy. I still work at achieving "peak" experiences, those transcendent moments of truth, beauty, love, faith and meaning that make all of the drudgery worthwhile.
I'm still working at handling the stress and enjoying my life, and I suppose I will be until I retire, which will probably be at a somewhat later age than I had originally hoped, but that's OK. I enjoy the heck out of my life, my wife means so much to me, and my love and concern for her and my family keep me getting back up each morning, gladly dealing with too little sleep and too much to do because it comes as part of the family package. I still manage to pack in some shows, an occasional movie, Bumbershoot, and at least a few practice sessions with guitars and singing a week, and I've been toying with writing. I'd rather be stressed and overloaded with a family the alone and unstressed, so I'm truly blessed and working to keep it that way.
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